Happy Thanksgiving

well, I know i've been neglecting my blog for the past few months (almost 6); It was a very busy summer!  But today, I wanted to say what I'm thankful for.  I should probably do more of this and I do try - but today especially............

Kirsten - I'm so thankful for your beautiful smile and shining personality!  You've always made me laugh!  Your birth was a surprise, but a cherished surprise!  You have your fathers sense of humor - life is never dull around you!  You've become such a beautiful young woman.... I'm so proud of you! 
Katelyn - my shining light..... My sweet baby girl.  I miss you so much every day!  I dream of when I'll be able to see you again, to hold you and smell you, to see your smile and hear you laugh!  I know I don't talk about you enough; It just hurts so much to remember how much I miss you and how much I love you!  Forever in my heart.
Kameron - Did I ever tell you that you saved me?  You filled something in me, while it may have only been temporary - it helped me at the time to cope with the loss of your sister - you gave me a new reason to smile.  While I know that this time in your life is hard; I remember being a teenager and the trials and contentions I used to have with my parents (still have).  But you need to know how wonderfully talented you are and how much I love you!  You have so much amazing talent, it makes me so proud to hear you pick up a guitar, or drum away on a snare.  I've never seen anyone able to do what you do!  I know that your artistry will take you far in life - I love you so much!
Jacob - Such a little man in a little body!  With your quirky adult like expressions and your infectious laugh!  You teach me something new every day!  I can't imagine what our family would have been without you!
Emma - my darling baby girl!  I was so afraid when I was pregnant with you!  The last baby girl I had I lost...... But you are definitely a unique little girl.  My little "Mommy" - My little cuddler.  I'm sure you'll grow up spoiled rotten by all your older siblings - but you'll repay it in spades with your own children some day. 

Ken - You are and always have been, my rock - my partner, the love of my life.  You are such an amazing father and husband, sometimes I wonder how I ever deserved you.  I love you more than life - I know no matter what trials await us, and I'm sure we have more to come, I know you will always be by my side, ready to take it on with me.  You make me a better woman. 

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Memories.... continues

The worst part about growing up with Brad was the constant fear we lived in. When I got to be about 9 years old, he started telling me that "one of these nights, when you're done taking a bath, I'm gonna catch you and I'm gonna rape you!" At the time, I didn't know what "rape" was. I remember asking my mother what it meant. She was curious where I had heard the word. I didn't want to tell her and I think she assumed that I had heard it from school. She never did tell me what it meant. One night, however, Brad made good on his threat. It happened to be one night when my parents were gone and Brad was left in charge. My parents would go on dates almost every Saturday night. Brad was at the age where he could babysit and my brother Mason could help (I know… crazy, huh?). I was getting ready for bed as I did every night. I came out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around me and Brad was standing in the doorway to my room blocking my way. He had this smile on his face that made me sick to my stomach.  I didn’t know for sure what he had in mind I only remember becoming so frightened that I shook;  I turned and started to run down the stairs, but he caught me by the hair before I could reach the first step causing me to fall backwards on to my back and knocking the wind out of me.  I started trying to claw my way to the stairs, grabbing carpet and screaming. Brad now had me by the ankle of my right leg and started dragging me towards my room. I turned onto my back and started kicking him with my left leg, trying to get him to let go. I knew at this point, that I was totally exposed from the waist down, but I didn't care, I just knew I had to get away from him. I was more afraid of what he was going to do to me when he got me into my room. I knew that Mason and my other siblings were downstairs and I also knew that they could hear me screaming, they had to.... why was no one was helping me? When Brad eventually dragged me into my bedroom, he locked the door and turned me onto my stomach using his body weight. My bedroom, I shared with my 3 other sisters. It was unusually large because the previous owners had taken two bedrooms, which were upstairs and removed the wall in between them to make it one large room. The room adjacent to "The Girls Room" was what we called the "Blue Room.”, .because my mother painted it this sky blue color. There was also a room downstairs off of the family room, which was an obvious addition to the house. My brothers shared the downstairs room and they would all take turns living in the "Blue" room upstairs, adjacent to the girls room.  The door stop on the door to the girls room and long been taken off by someone in our family and after years of slamming our bedroom door open and shut, the handle of our bedroom door created a hole in the wall, which could act as a pass through between the girls room and the "Blue Room". We usually kept a pillow or something in there so that whom ever was occupying the room at the time couldn’t watch us dress; but it was easy enough to remove from either side. The remainder of this experience is still somewhat of a blur; although, I remember vividly lying on the ground, the side of my face being pushed into the carpet as Brad lay on top of me from behind. I recall crying the entire time; just sobbing.  It hurt so much.   I saw the pillow in the hole to the "Blue Ream" move and I knew someone was there. Someone could see. Mason.  But but he didn't  help; he just sat and watched.  I remember just laying in a ball on the carpet when Brad was finally finished with me.  I can't remember exactly how long I layed there, but I know it was a long enough time.  Eventually, I got up and went back to the bathroom.  I was bleeding and I was scared.  What would my parents do to me if they found out?  Would I be in trouble?  They couldn't know...... no one could know.  I wish I could say that this was a solitary event.  I wish I could say that I got Brad in the end, but this is not one of those stories.  Events such as this continued up until I was about 11 years old.  Afterward s, Brad would always tell me how filthy I was. How ugly I was. How much he was going to enjoy killing me someday. I believed him. It was around this time, that I started showing signs of OCD.  I would tape off the section of my room with duct tape which was mine. I kept that space impeccably clean and would go into panic attacks if anyone stepped within that taped area. I would take showers that lasted for hours. My mother would get so mad at me because I would take all the hot water . I would stay up in my room for hours, but I never wanted the door dosed. If the door closed, I would have panic attacks and would sometimes pass out. I was still waking up in middle of the night screaming. It was about this time that I started staying at the gym until very late in the evening.  anything to keep from having to go home and face the nightmares.   I had been a gymnast since I was about 5. I would often stay at the gym hours after practice focusing solely on one dismount, or one floor combination or one bar routine and I would do it over and over again until it was perfect .... Which it never was.   I know my coach worried about me; he would often ask if things were o.k. at home. I never knew what to say to him, so I always said, "Things are fine coach."  I don’t know why I never told him, or anyone else for that matter.  Especially not my parents.  I was so ashamed of it and of myself.  When the rapes eventually started to subside I knew that Brad had turned his attention onto my younger sister Marie, who was 4 years younger than me. Although I never saw anything, I could tell just by how Marie started acting that she had taken my place. I'm ashamed today to admit, I was relieved.

Summer dress from SCRAPS!!!

That's right, I said Scraps!!  I made this summer dress for Emma from left over material I had laying around.  The pink and white stripe you might remember from her Easter Dress and the green w/ pink flowers is left overs from another summer dress that I'm in the process of making.  After I cut out the pattern, I realized I had enough left over to make at least part of another dress.  The pattern might also look familiar.  It's from the halter top's that I made her for summer.  I simply added 3 inches to the bottom portion of the pattern and whola!!!  A new dress which cost me nothing!!!  Love It!!!!!!!

My overly creative and resourceful teenager

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Don't Cry For Me

Hi Everyone -


so I wanted to just write a quick note about my "Memories" posts here on my blog.  For those of you who knew me growing up, this is not meant to make you feel bad or sad for not knowing what was going on.  For everyone else and for those I've known since I was little, please do not feel bad or sad for me after reading my story.  After all, I would not be the person I am today if I hadn't gone through all that I have.  I am very, very blessed and even if I could go back and change things, I don't know that I would change a whole lot (maybe a few things).  But knowing what was in store for me down the road of only I could survive the experiences of the past, I think I would endure just to get to this light at the end of my tunnel where I currently am.  

One of the statements members of the LDS church like to say a lot is "I know this church is true" - now, I'm not sure if they're saying that to try to convince others, or themselves; but there is one thing that I told my mother that I still stand by.  You will never hear me attest to something being "True" unless I truly KNOW that it is true.  There are a few things that I do know to be true.


1.  I have a Heavenly Father who loves me; I talk to him often.
2.  I know that Christ died for me and redeemed me of all my sins (and thank god for that, because I have many!)
3.  I have a wonderful husband who loves me so much, I have no doubt he would lay down his life for me in an instant; I also know that no matter what happens, I will never be alone because he will always be by my side.
4.  I have had the privilege of having 5 beautiful children and the wonderful responsibility of raising 4 of them.  I look forward to the day when I can see my sweet baby girl again.  Some of you have heard me say that death will be blessing to me.  I'm not trying to be morbid... I promise; death just takes on a very different persona when you know that someone is waiting for you on the other side...... I have someone waiting for me and I am dying to get to her (pun intended :) )
5.  I know that we are shaped, not only by our experiences, but also our choices.
6.  If we want to implement change in our lives, we must first change ourselves because in reality, that is truly the ONLY thing we can change!


I decided a long time ago that I was not going to be a victim any more.  While this story is very sad, it has a wonderfully happy ending, because it ends with me exactly where I am now.  I may not have the family structure from my parents and siblings that most people have, but I have a circle of friends and loved ones that are better than any family that I could hope for and I have a wonderful relationship with my own children; and this makes me truly blessed.  So, in conclusion, keep reading my story - not because I want you to feel bad for me, but because it's an interesting one and quite sad - but mostly, enlightening.... couldn't we all use some enlightenment?  to be uplifted... to know that each of us can overcome horrific odds!  To be able to go to hell and back and be a better person, a stronger person because of it.  That's what my experiences have done for me.  I thank you all for your kind words and well wishes, but please know - I don't need comfort :0).  I am an incredibly happy and fulfilled person.  I love you all! 

"Memories" continued

Once, when my parents had to go to a dental conference in Arizona, they took us down to stay with some friends of theirs in Fresno, The Burrells. Brad was about 15 at the time. Looking back, I realized what he had been up to.  For a few months before this conference, Brad had become a different person; almost as though the old Brad was just a bad nightmare and had been replaced with this caring and considerate brother.  He had managed to talk my parents into letting him stay home for the weekend. When we got back, the house was completely destroyed and Brad was in jail.  He had had a party while my parents were gone; it was so out of hand that they were lighting things on fire in the microwave; they had a bonfire in the backyard with my mother’s clothes and terrified some of the neighbors. The police were called and Brad was arrested. Although this wasn’t the first time Brad had been arrested, it was his longest stay in jail – over a month.  That was only one of many incidents involving the police.

I had a few friends when I was growing up; not a lot, just a few very close friends.  My parent;s, after moving to Pleasanton, became friends with a family in our church.  They had a daughter who was about my age, Mary.  Mary was my closest and longest friend.  Fortunately, I still keep in touch with her.   My parents definitely tried to control the people with whom I associated with, fortunately, Mary's parents passed my parents criticism, since they were also LDS.  I had another friend, Nicole Warren; my parents wouldn't let me go to her house a lot of the time because her parents were divorced, or going through a divorce.  It's hard to remember, because there were times when her mom was around, but most of the time, she wasn't.   But Mary and I, we were like sisters.  Mary was a bit older than me, about 7 months.  We used to spend almost all our time together, either at her house, or at my house.  During the summer, we would spend our days at the Pleasanton Aquatic Center.  There were so many times when she would spend the night and I would be so afraid that Brad was going to hurt her.  I used to lay in bed and just pray that he would leave us alone.  Just let me have this one friend.  Just please don't hurt her!  Mary was no stranger to abuse though. I won't go into too much, because it's not my story to tell, I'll just say that she had a lot on her own plate.  It was interesting how our lives were so parallel and yet in different ways.  She doesn't know it, but she was my safety net.  We loved getting into mischief together!  One of the memories Mary loves to recall is how we would lock ourselves in my parents room and make prank calls!  We love to laugh about it to this day!  I think if her parents knew what went on in our house, they would never forgive my parents for risking exposure of Mary to those horrors!  


When Mary and I were in middle school - she came to school one day visibly upset.  When I inquired of her what was going on, she informed us solemnly that her parents were splitting up and they were moving to Stockton.  What!!!!  Stockton!!  No, this can't happen!  Not Mary!  I was devastated.  Obviously for her, but more so, for me!  How could my best friend be leaving me!  How could this happen.  I thought, maybe if I talked to her mom, I could convince them to stay.  I knew inside, that would never happen.  Whose going to listen to a 12 year old!  Mary had grandparents who lived in Stockton; Mary's grandparents were, how can I say this in a politically correct way.... Rich??  They had 4 homes that I know of.  Their primary residence in Stockton on Quail Lake (a gated community), one in Aptos..... On the beach!!!  We used to go here at least once every summer after going to Santa Cruz for a day.  One in Tahoe - Mary's family would go here every winter to go skiing.  They would always be gone for 2-4 days at a time...... worst 2-4 days I can remember. And one in Hawaii.  But this time, she wasn't going to visit, she was going to stay!  I couldn't stop crying. My best friend!  My safety net!  She can't leave!!  But she did.  For a little while anyway.  We talked on the phone all the time - she was so sad.  They ended up moving back right after Christmas.  I remember it was decided on Christmas day when Mary's mom brought the kids home for Christmas.  They would always open gifts at Mary's grandmothers house (on her dad's side) who happened to live right behind them.  I came over Christmas morning (as I did every year) and m's dad got me on video celebrating with Mary over moving back home.   They still make Mary fun of me over that!  :).  One time, we all went out to her grandparents house for Mary's birthday.  Mary's birthday was in December, but because it was right around Christmas time, her mom would always throw her a party in either Spring or Summer - this time, I believe it was early  summer and Mary's mom rounded up all of us (Mary's friends) and drove us to Stockton where we had a party for Mary.  I could not believe how beautiful this house was!  The most prominent memory I have of this house was the master bathroom.  A shower, literally as big as my entire walk in closet!  It was huge!  That was the first time I could remember staying up all night - which we did!  And then the next day, we spent the entire afternoon on the back deck, which looked out over "Quail Lake".  One of the best memories I have.


Back to the nightmare of my own family.......

Once, when Brad was learning to drive, my mother let him drive the van down Sycamore Road; a country road near our house that was about a mile long and straight as an arrow.  To this day, with Brad’s history, I wonder why my parents kept giving him opportunities to hurt the rest of us??  I know that he was their son, but they had to see that something was wrong with him, didn’t they?  He did fine for most of the ride, but as we got closer to the end, he pulled off onto the shoulder without slowing down or stopping. My mother started screaming at him to stop, but he kept his foot on the gas pedal. Keep in mind, this was before the days of "mandatory seat belts", Brad ran the van right into a telephone pole and all but totaled the van. We all went flying toward the front of the van; fortunately, there were only two of us on the middle bench. Most of us were in the very back of the van and only ran into the back of the front benches. We were all in the van at the time..... Every one of us, including Ian, who was the baby at the time and thank god, was in some sort of an infant car seat.  It seemed like he was trying to kill all of us.

Another incident, which happened when Brad was a little bit older and closer to the time when he "went away", he was mad at my mother one night, for some reason or another. I'm sure in Brad's mind at the time it all seemed perfectly justifiable.  Anyway,  at this time, he was in his mid-teens and was taller than my mother, who was a modest 5’2.  He became so angry with her, that he grabbed one of the kitchen knives and told her he was going to "slice her up".  When my mother realized that she could not simply “over power” him anymore, she became very frightened.  Brad started chasing her. My 'brother Mason, who was in boy scouts had a cross-bow, which he had made. He grabbed it and got between Brad and my mother. He told Brad that if he didn't leave the house, he was going to kill him, secretly, I was hoping he would. I remember seeing Mason's face; he was trying so hard not to show emotion, to keep it cold.  He stared Brad down, challenged him even, the cross bow shaking in his hands only slightly and sweat running down the side of his face.  His eye's darting between Brad's eyes and the knife in his hand.  What would he do?  Would Mason be forced to shoot him.... could he do it if he had to?  Fortunately, we never had to find out.   Brad left and my mother called my dad, not the police. He came home and nothing else happened. Sometimes I think - if only my parents hadn't been so embarrassed about what was happening, we could have gotten help so much sooner than we did.  So many things could have been avoided.  I could have remained innocent for just a little bit longer. 

Extreme Couponing

O.K., so if you've followed my facebook posts, yesterday and today I went out in search of "Extreme Counponing" adventures!  Let me just tell you what I did:


1.  Rite-Aid: I had a lot of stuff to get here because I really wanted to take advantage of their "Wellness Bucks" and they had a lot of stuff that was "Buy one/ Get one free, or Get one 50% off" - this really peaked my attention because one of the items they had on the Buy 1/ get 1 for 50% was any Eucerin product.  Now if you have ever used Eucerin, you know it's the absolute best for anyone that has eczema or very dry skin.  Unfortunately, I've been burdened with this my entire life, and unfortunately, it's a legacy I've passed on to my two youngest children.  Every night after bath, they get lubed up from head to toe in Eucerin Cream (either the original, or Aquafor, depending on the severity).  Now, if you've used Eucerin Cream, you know it's expensive.  Depending on where you get it, it can range in price from $13.00 - $17.00.  I try to buy it at Kaiser because we get a 20% discount there. Anyhow, so Rite Aid had this on sale and I was also able to print $1.00 off coupons from the Eucerin website - score!!!!   I also purchased enough feminine hygiene products to last me the next few years.  So I did this in two steps - My first trip through the check stand cost me a total of $28.44 and saved $6.00 in coupons - but I also earned $8.00 in wellness bucks, which I used on my next trip through the checkstand - this trip cost me quite a bit more, but boy did I save!  I got 8 things of Eucerin cream (yes, I said 8!!  Should last us about a year) and saved  $63.92 on the cream alone!!  I also saved $28.00 in coupons along with my $8.00 wellness bucks - my ending total was $115.00, but considering what I saved, I think I did pretty good! :)  Oh... I also earned two free lashblast mascara's - $18.00 worth.... for FREE!!!


2.  CVS - my next stop - This was where I went to pick up all my son's allergy medicine, along with enough gum to last me a few months.  The gum was 5 Rain Gum and for every two packs purchased, you got $3.00 "Up" reward dollars.  I also had a coupon for this, so the gum ended up costing me a whopping $.67/ pack and I got 6 packs and earned $9.00 in "Up" rewards.  I then used that towards my son's allergy medicine.  He takes Allegra, which isn't cheap.  However, CVS had a sale on Children's Allegra for $9.99 each.  I then found a coupon for $2.00 off!  SCORE!!!!  I ended up spending $60.00 total at CVS and saved $55.00. 


O.k., so I'm averaging about 40% savings at this time.  Time to hit Safeway!


3.  Safeway - I LOVE THEIR NEW WEBSITE!!!!!!  They have this section called "Personalized Just4u" where they offer you discounts on items that you've purchased before and are also already on sale from their "Club Card Specials" - Example - Yoplait Yogurt: Club Card price; $.99 (a pretty good price); my "Just4u" price, $.49!!!!!!!  I loaded up!!!  So I went through and selected all the items they had listed for me, then I went through their coupon section (which is linked to "coupons.com")  and loaded all the coupons that I would need , some of them combined with my "Just4u" price gave me things for next to nothing!!!  I was so excited!!!!!!!!  Here's what I got at Safeway:



Quaker Oat Squares: 4 boxes @ $.75/ box
Kelloggs Rice Krispies: 4 boxes @ $.95/ box
Lipton Rice Mixes: 12 packets @ $.80/ packet
Arm & Hammer deoderant: 10 @ $.99/ item
Pillsbury Crescent Rolls 4 @ $1.33 each
Safeway Brand frozen potatoes 4 @$1.77 each
Yoplait Yogurts: 20 @ $.49 each
Oscar Myer Deli Shaved lunch meat: 4 @ $1.36 each
Whole Frying chicken: 2 @ buy one get one free total cost: $8.92


obviously, there was a few other items that I only got one or two of that I won't bore you by listing, but I will say that I didn't buy anything that either wasn't on sale, or I didn't have a coupon for; my total out the door was $110.00, my Total savings:


Club Card savings: $57.06
Just4U Savings:   $22.94
Just4U digital coupons:  $9.25
Paper coupons:  $3.25
Total savings: $92.50

 TOTAL PERCENTAGE SAVED: 47%   OMG!!!!!!!!!!  I'm officially stoked!!!  and stocked - you really would not believe how many tampons and pads I have right now.... I better not go through menopause for a very long time!! :)

My last stop was Target - not much to get here.  I had a coupon for $2.00 off schick quattro razors and target had them on sale for $7.94 and if you bought two, you got a $5.00 gift card.  So I bought TWO!!  Used my $5.00 gift card to buy my 14 yr. old some undershirts; which, after my gift card, cost me a whopping $2.00!!  Hee hee!!!

sewing lessons

so along with all the drama of my life.... a while back, my mother, a very accomplished seamstress told me she was too busy to teach me how to sew (huh??????>?) and suggested I take a class.  So I hired a woman from Richmond, Tani Martinat, to travel to my home to teach me how to sew.  Well worth the expense!  She charged me $60.00 for a 3 hour in home lesson (compared to a local sewing class, which charged $35.00 for one hour/week)  I am now, sewing like crazy!  Attached is some of the items I've made......

This was one of the first things I made... on my own.  A simple summer dress & hat made from eyelet lace; fully lined.  The denim jacket is of Gap - not quite to that point yet :)

 

Emma's Easter Dress was #2 on the list - this was actually a very difficult dress to make

The bodice is completely interfaced and the part at the top stands up on it's own - she looked so pretty Easter Morning!!

so now, I'm on a roll.... Emma is in need of summer Pj's; out of 5/8 of a yard of fabric, I'm able to get not one, but two bottoms!  One pant length, the other short length.  So far, I've made a total of 7 bottoms (gray bottoms not shown) and three tops

check out the "Lettuce Edge" I taught myself how to do! 

ok, now, she must have summer clothes!!!!!  I found this pattern for an adorable halter top - I've made 4 tops out of this pattern!

sorry about the wrinkles :(

 

This was fun - the pattern called for a simple elastic waist - Instead, in order to keep her in these for a while, I made an adustable waist band with a zip fly and button closure!

Too adorable for words!

 Needless to say, I'm enjoying sewing very much!  Will keep posting more finished projects.  Currently working on more pajama tops and two summer dresses.  I just wish they would make more patterns for boys :(.  I feel like Jake is being left out :(. 


In other news - Kameron will be "Promoted" to the 9th grade in two weeks (they don't use the term "Graduation" anymore when going from middle school to high school I guess) - It's been a rough couple of years.  I remember when my now, 18 year old, went through middle school.... was she this difficult????  For the most part, I love him, but some days, I just want to drop him off at Foster care with a note pinned to him that says "Feed me".  Ugghhh, when did Teenagers get this obnoxious..... and smelly???? 

Sometimes, Brad would walk by me and whisper things such as "You're Ugly!" or "When I grow up, I'm gonna get a machine gun and kill you!". Scared me to death because I never doubted him. Although, sometimes I wonder if my parents treatment of him had anything to do with his behavior.  After all, I can remember my dad feeding him tablespoons full of pepper for saying a cuss word; or whipping him with a belt on his bare behind for some infarction, while I maybe got time in the corner for the exact same infarction.   My parents showed blatant favorism, I’m convinced that had something to do with everything that happened, although my parents I’m sure will go to their graves saying that it’s all design.   My father was the king of empty promises back then.  I used to get all the stories from him about how someday a prince would ride up on a white horse and take me away and we’d live happily ever happy.  From the time I was very little, there was a clear plan that my parents had for me and I became convinced that it was the only plan.  During this time, I started developing “Night terrors”.  I remember waking up in the middle of the night, screaming thinking I saw Brad standing at my bedroom door. My mother would always come in and Brad was never there.

As my parents had more children, they needed a bigger house, so they bought one on Laura Lane in Pleasanton. It was on the border of Sunol and came with a some land. This was where a lot of the nightmares in my family happened.   Now that I live closer to where I grew up, I sometimes visit this house; the memories there are so devastating to me now and it seems like such a sad place.   I remember once, when the banister was missing from our house in Pleasanton (which was most of the time we were living there); it was a tr i-level house, so the stairs "switch-backed" each other. I remember coming down the stairs one day and Brad ran up behind me and pushed me off the edge. I landed on the lower stairs and -rolled the rest of the way down to the family room. My inner thigh was severely scrapped and eventually turned into a really nasty looking bruise, which was hard to explain during gymnastic practice. I didn't break any bones that day.  The stairs weren’t an ally to Brad though.  I remember a few times, my father throwing Brad off the stairs from the kitchen, which was located on the middle floor of the house to the downstairs portion of the house.  It wasn’t a huge drop, but scary none the less.  My father is admittedly, not a “Kid” person.  Ya think?